Wednesday, September 01, 2010

I could wait around for the dust to still....

blip goes the bloggy's heartbeat.

It's been a long, long while since I rambled on here, so here it goes for a hot minute or so.

How is it possible that I feel younger and younger as I get older and older? How is it possible to be actually lost in my 30s while I felt guided in my 20s? I used to have a plan and I knew myself inside and out, but now I couldn't tell you what I desire, what drives me, what I even label as me, myself, or I anymore. So maybe this will help? It used to oh-so many years ago.

It is so bizarre to me how romantic relationships have changed for me, due to my jaded outlook (who wouldn't be extremely jaded after the bad love choices that I've made these past few years) on love and butterfly-causing attraction. It doesn't hit me full on, there's no head over heals game being played between my head and my heart anymore. Though, on rare occasions I can feel a butterfly seep out from the dark, cold place where I keep my heart, but reality usually sends that hope on its merry way.

So is this why people my age have kids? Is it so they can attempt to feel grown up and stop the downward spiral into irresponsible choices and selfish whims? Is it so they can attempt to feel a type of love that replaces and actually shatters the one that disappeared with bitter, jaded feelings caused by one-too-many failed relationships and broken promises?

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