I never thought tonight could ever be this close to me

I've been in a dreadful funk as of late. All Eeyore-like with my "why bother" attitude. Oh how I wish I'd snap out of it. Not even cleaning is cheering me up! Instead it's just making me realize I might be moving soon or I might NOT be moving soon, because apartment hunting is one major cause of my FUNK! Thus the vicious cycle continues...oh blerg.

The only highlight of my day was seeing one of my coworkers deep throat a banana, by accident. I was just strolling back to my desk after a potty break and happened to glance over into her cube. I couldn't really tell if that's just the way she chooses to eat a banana on a regular basis or if she had just jammed it in a bit too far because I startled her. Either way, it made my day.

from the edge of the deep green sea

Another year slipping by, and nothing to show for it but a different paycheck. I live each day the same as the last, quietly obeying its dull and lonely routine.

I've stopped dreaming.

I grasp at the little shreds of hope I still have that surround him, but they are slipping quickly out my fingers. I ask myself each night as I stare at that bed for 2, but containing only 1, "How did I end up here?" Maybe one night I'll be given the answer.

But i'm still here, And small, So small.. how could this struggle seem so big?

It's been well over a year since I wrote on this thing, so odd to think I once filled it with wordies on a daily basis. Now I struggle to write anything at all, and battle with my mind censoring my heart. I've started a very new, very different chapter in my life. The last chapter took about 7 years to complete, the one before that was a good 4 wonderful years. I wonder how long this new one shall play out?

But I'm at a good age now and at a good place. I feel calmer nowadays. I guess that really is something you grow into and takes a few decades to fully appreciate. I guess age also teaches you what you should value and hold dear in life, as well as the importance of trust and loyalty. I'm not afraid of trusting people any longer, nor do I pull my trust away from everyone when it is betrayed by just one. Everything is just part of the process, you learn from it, you move onwards and upwards.

To return or not to return...

I miss this little bloggy, my little space in the wild web, but am I really able to spew nonsense out once again for the entire world to see? (Well, not the entire world, just those poor random folks that stumble open this place by accident.) But really, am I ready for that again, to put my thoughts out there for others to see, to judge, to agree or disagree with? I look at my life now and realize that I've become a VERY private person in my old age. OR! *gasp* maybe I'm just really dull now and have nothing really to share? Dullness aside, when did this fear to open myself up begin? Is it just something that comes with age, in that the things I fret about now are far more serious and personal than the subjects my post were about years ago? Or is it the fear that someone whom I present one image of myself to will discover the person they know is all a ruse? Or is it just that I've realized no one wants to hear/read my drivel?

Well, for now little bloggy and random people, I shall go consider these questions while I watch QVC and spend my rent money on handbags and Bare Escentuals.

fin.

Poor little bloggy, I have let you die. I have allowed the cyberspace tumbleweeds to roll past and ginormous dust bunnies to collect in all your nooks and crannies.

However, I shall state just a few random things before my bloggy R.I.Ps:

I finally found a new job. Hurrah! Hurrah! So that’s right people, watch those pink porkers fly, listen to the fat lady hit the high notes, and try to find more sweaters for all those people in hell because the impossible became POSSIBLE.

I finally live on my very own in a beautiful tiny apartment with so much storage space that I am actually overwhelmed. Boxes line my walls and are strewn about making a cardboard maze from the bedroom to the front door, all because I just can’t decide on which closet gets what junk. It’s lovely =).

C’est la vie mes amis.